Many Nigerians are in a complicated relationship with their banks. This wouldn’t be the case if they’d just do some things we secretly wish for. But they’re not ready for this conversation.
Maybe in the afterlife.
1. Put beds at ATM stands
Yes. To recover from those never-moving queues and reduce all the “I’m behind” you wahala.
2. Share food when we open new accounts
It’s not only in church that they should be doing first timer nau. Is it not when you eat well, you can work to save money? Biko, a plate of Jollof isn’t too much to ask for.
3. Send funds
See ehn, this one will slap. Especially in those times when your account is already glowing red and your enemies are waiting to laugh at you.
4. Send us gifts on our birthdays
Instead of SMSes, we could really do with some customer appreciation gift. If delivery is too much of a bother, we can do pick-up, no problem.
Christmas, giveaway. New Year, giveaway. Valentine’s Day nko? Giveaway to profess their love. This is how to make sure you ride with them for life.
6. Deduct SMS charges only once a year
On top of all the debit alerts you have to deal with, at the end of the month you’ll still see SMS charges. E choke oh. Once a year will do, or eliminate it, pata-pata. T for tenks.
7. Come to our houses
The motto is simple: If the customer won’t come to the bank, let the bank go to the customer. Why should you allow sun to play dangerous games with your forehead, when you can simply be attended to from the comfort of your house?
8. Automate more processes
In this time and Age, we shouldn’t be queuing physically at the bank to get basic things like changing phone numbers or opening a new account done. *Screams silently at the absurdity.*