19 Hilariously Accurate ‘Scientific’ Theories That Explain Being An African Today

March 21, 2016
There are so many scientific theories that have impacted our lives today; from the general and special theory of relativity, to the Laws of Motion etc. But have you ever applied these scientific theories to our experiences as Africans??

1. The Theory of Immovability.

This theory states that African Presidents who have spent more than 10 years in office are likely to never leave office…unless God or death… See Gaddafi, Mugabe etc. We are just saying oh!

2. The Speed of the Flying Slap.

While the speed of light is approximately 3.00×108 m/s, every African child knows that when you dare talk back to your African mother, the speed of her flying slap is at least 2 times the speed of light.

3. What is the correct Theory of Quantum Gravity Jollof Rice?

We may never know. In the last few decades, researchers have pursued the problem of every country insisting their Jollof is better. The results have been inconclusive. Ghanaian, Gambian or Nigerian? Who knows?!

4. African Presidents’ First Law of Motion.

Every African president remains in a state of constant motion unless an external force is applied to it – like reelection. Or international crisis.

5. The Relationship Complexity.

The Relationship Complexity simply states that an ex who dumped you and/or has moved on never sees you on the day you’re well dressed. They’re more likely to see you on the day you look like a housegirl or houseboy.

6. The Quantum Theory of African Happiness.

Every African remains impermeable to suffering and pain. We smile through it all. Forex tanking, smile. Oil crisis, smile. Use an American man to portray an African man, beaming smile.

7. Oxygen Theory of Body Odour.

The intensity of the heat in a public transport vehicle is directly proportional to the amount of body odour one is likely to suffer.

8. Information Theory of Customer Service.

The way to survive as an African making a complaint is to assume that the customer service personnel is NOT there to help you. Always assume that they’re having a bad day. Or exchange fire for fire. That last one is fun.

9. The Running Kenyans Revelation.

The working theory here is that Kenyans (or Ethiopians) are infinitely sustained and speedily drawn to the finish line in a long distance race. Try as you may, you cannot finish before them.

10. The African Market Touch Factor.

The relationship between how many times you’re touched, dragged, asked to buy curtain or called in a Nigerian market is directly proportional to how crowded the market is. In this law the more crowded the market is, the more likely you are to get called ‘Ada’.

11. Nollywood Theory of Impossibility.

Only in Nollywood, Ghollywood and Wakaliwood does the impossible happen so effortlessly. From flying bullets grazing the arm but the bleeding coming from the stomach. And a ghost wearing a wristwatch.

12. The PHCN Disappointment Theory.

PHCN Disappointment Theory revolves around the notion that Nigerians who build decisions such as cooking or ironing around PHCN light will ultimately be disappointed – while sweating. This theory has been utilized in examining such diverse decision-making processes as not ironing or charging your phone immediately they bring light because you think it will last etc.

13. The Sunday Rice Hypothesis.

The probability of you as an African eating rice on a sunday as opposed to anything else is 500 billion :1. No one is cooking you anything else abeg. Please sit down.

14. The African Dance Permeation.

Every year, across Africa, there is always a new wave of dancing. We started from the Alanta and yahooze to skelewu and azonto and we are now at the shoki and shakitibobo dance era. Dabbing may be included too. In the words of twitter theorist, @boozebumps, most Africans have attended the Keshi Shaolin Temple of the Higher Shoki.

15. The Ice Cream – Cookie Container Duality Equation.

Ice cream and cookie containers have found dual uses in African households. Every African child knows that that ice cream container probably contains egusi and the cookie container most likely contains sewing materials. Hope for cookie/Ice cream α 1/betrayal

16. The Career Optionality Factor.

Your career path must be along the lines of medicine, law, engineering, politics or a disgrace to the family.

17. The Work Experience Conundrum.

As a young African, the reality almost always hits you around the age of 21/22 that you need work experience to get the job and you need a job to get work experience.

18. The Nigeria-Zimbabwe Exchange Rate Similarity.

When the Zimbabwean currency was depreciating, Nigerians had jokes. Naturally. But now we are in a similar currency condition. The Zimbabwean dollar and the Nigerian Naira are roughly proportional in value.

19. The Law of Impossible Expression of Affection.

Your parents will never literally tell you they love you because they believe feeding you is the ultimate show of love and affection.
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