The streets of Lagos are not for the fainthearted. If you are used to buses waiting for you to board or someone handing over your phone after picking it up from the floor then newsflash, You are on the wrong bus, get off! You missed your stop.
There are no good Samaritans here; everyone is a hustler and that’s why even the buses have been turned to a market place and no, solace for deep thoughts don’t exist. Different individuals get into a bus with different purposes. Here’s a list of a few personalities you are bound to meet in the:
Notice the person with shifty eyes and a load? No, he’s not a thief, he’s gonna stand up a few minutes after kick off. He usually likes sitting by the door, you might even mistake him for a conductor, because of how helpful he is to the real one. But, no, that’s a strategy, his voice is about to boom through the bus for the next one hour. God help you if there’s traffic! Dr Dre’s got nothing on his bass. What he’s selling? A cure for all ills, he says. I suspect that his first buyer is his syndicate.
There’s always that one person that will change it for the conductor. Their madness is usually on a kapachumarimarichupako level. One moment they’re looking posh the next thing, “You dey craze? You think say na because I wear suit? I go change am for you oh!”
It usually starts like this: “Auntie, this Lagos na wa o. All this road wan kill person. Last night I wan…” Do not respond, I repeat, do not respond! Oh gosh, you did? You’re about to have your head talked off, and I warned you o. Well, just get ready to hear how this person was there when Osama Bin Laden was shot down and oh, would you like to sign up to their VTU platform?
Yes, we all know that naira notes are greatly disrespected by Nigerians; mutilated notes here and there. But there are some among us who didn’t get the memo. Not going to mention their names. They get into a war of words with the conductor who refuses to change the bad money he gave them. He begrudgingly does though, usually with a clapback: “You never know anything for dis Lagos! Dem tell u say I dey print money for house? Na person gimme dis money.”
The Quiet Ones
oftentimes, if you didn’t get into the bus with them at the same time you might feel this people are dumb. But, no, self preservation is sacred to them; they know what to expect. They are old customers so they know the best thing is to plug in their earpiece to escape the madness.
This people just know how to drop off, you mostly find them in Ajah and Island buses in the morning. They don’t have time for music or talk, they just wanna sleeeeep.