If Captain America Had To Survive In Nigeria

April 23, 2021

Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

We don’t have light in Nigeria, so there’s no way a Nigerian version of Captain America would have been built in a mega laboratory. Who will be fueling gen? 

So, for this episode of #JustImagine, we decided to import Captain America. Would he survive in Nigeria for a day?


The date is June 6, 2021. Captain America is sitting in a large boardroom overlooking the White House. A young man is standing behind him.

A hologram flickers to life and a man appears.

Man: You are needed in Nigeria for a highly-confidential duty. Jack there will give you your flight details. Good luck.

Captain America stands and salutes.


June 7, 2021. 5 A.M.

Captain America lands in Murtala Mohammed Airport, Lagos Nigeria. The airport is dark, dingy and noisy. Ubong, a disgruntled sleep-deprived immigration officer screams.

Ubong: NEXT!

Captain America confidently walks forward and Ubong frowns.

Ubong: This one that you’re walking like it’s you that is Buhari.

Captain America: Sorry about that, mate. Lovely country here.

Ubong: (yawns) Give me passport and visa.

Captain America hands him the required documents.

Ubong: (studies the document) Did you do Covid test?

Captain America: (grins) I can’t fall sick. Don’t worry.

Ubong: Is that what I ask you?

Captain America: No, I didn’t.

Ubong points to the left.

Ubong: Pass that side…. NEXT!

Captain America looks to the left and sees a long queue.

Captain America: Look, I need a faster route. I am on a mission.

Ubong: (scrutinises him) You have dollar there?

Captain America hands him some wads of dollars and Ubong stands.

Ubong: Follow me. 


TOILET – June 7, 2021 7 A.M.

Captain America is laying on the floor, unconscious. Ubong is looking at him fearfully. A woman, Justina enters.

Justina: Why you call me, wetin appun?

Ubong points at Captain America on the floor.

Justina: Wetin you give am?

Ubong raises a syringe.

Ubong: Covid injection.

Justina: From where?

Ubong: Oshodi, under bridge. 

Justina squints at the syringe.

Justina: No be abortion injection be that?

Ubong: say na lie.

Justina: Dem dey sell covid vaccine for underbridge? Na doctor dey sell am?

Ubong: He wear white coat.

Justina: Moturary attendant too dey wear white coat.

Ubong:

Ubong: Oya, epp me wake am.

Justina


June 7, 2021 – 2 PM

Captain America is lying unconscious in a wheelbarrow, on a pile of refuse. A man slowly moves closer to him.

The man crouches next to Captain America. He removes Captain America’s shoes and tucks them under his armpit.

Man: (to himself) This one will be ₦2,500.

He proceeds to remove a knife from his bag and starts cutting through Captain America’s clothes. Captain America wakes up and holds his hand.

Man: Hay! You never die?

Captain America: Who sent you?

Man: Ehn?

Captain America: What are you doing?

Man: Nothing o. I want to remove something.

Captain America: What?

Man: Small kidney.

Captain America pushes him away.

Man: Is not like I want to sell it o…. I just want to use it for work.

Captain America: Where do you work?!

Man: …

Captain America grabs him by the collar.

Man: Okija shrine, sir.


June 7, 2021 – 2:30PM

Captain America is walking down the street. An okadaman zooms past an old woman and snatches her phone.

Old Woman: My phone o!

Captain America notices this and hauls a Mountain of Fire bus at the thief. The bus slams into the thief, stopping him. The bus also knocks down a nepa pole. The pole falls on a nearby betting stall.

A pastor rushes out of a church.

Pastor: Who fling our church bus?! Hold this bag for me. I say who fling our bus!

A middle-aged man shouts.

Man: Who is the mad man that spoilt our nepa pole?

Captain America: There was a robbery!

Man: And what concern nepa pole?

A young woman stares at the demolished betting stall.

Young woman: Hei! My shop!

The old woman walks up to the thief and retrieves her phone.

Old Woman: (to Captain America) You sef, your gra gra is too much.

Captain America: I caught the thief.

Young Woman: Is this one mad? Won’t you repair the shop?!

Just then, a couple of gunshots are heard and Captain America sees a young man running. Captain America chases after him, climbing on different yellow buses.

He jumps down from a bridge and lands on a car. The driver of the car shouts.

Driver: Did they swear for you?!

Captain America: Sorry!

Captain America swings from a nepa pole, knocking it down again. The middle-aged man from earlier screams.

Man: Hope you know that’s where I wanted to tap light from?!

Captain America eventually catches the shooter and knocks him down.

Captain America: Why are you shooting? Who do you work for?

The Shooter: Shoot? Is banger I am throwing.

The shooter raises a stick of knockout. Captain America realises his mistake and everyone looks at him in anger.

Man: You see that what is doing you is madness?


Police Station

June 7, 2021 – 5:27PM

Captain America is sitting across from a policeman. His hands are handcuffed.

Policeman: You’re the one that throw church bus abi?

Captain America: In order to stop a crime… You are welcome.

Policeman:

Policeman: Why did you spoil nepa pole too?

Captain America: I thought someone was shooting.

Policeman:

Captain America: (stands and breaks his handcuffs) I don’t have time for all this.

Policeman: If you move, I shoot.

Captain America takes his gun and bends it.

Policeman: …

Captain America: …

Policeman: …

Captain America: Is there any other thing?

Policeman: Nothing sir.

Captain America starts to walk out.

Policeman: Ehm, you usually do America visa lottery for people, abi?

Captain America walks out.


June 7, 2021 – 6:30PM

Captain America is walking down the road. He sees a woman frying Akara by the roadside and runs to her.

Akara Seller: How much akara you wan buy, Oyinbo?

Captain America: Is that my shield you’re using to fry stuff?

Akara Seller: Pot wey I buy for Aswani?

Captain America: Give me that shield right now!

Akara Seller: If you no vamoose, I go pour you hot water.

A man enters the conversation.

Man: Baba I dey sell DSTV dish, you fit use am.

Captain America:


June 7, 2021 – 9:00 PM

Captain America is sitting in the living room of a mansion. He is totally spent and tired. Dino Melaye walks into the house.

Dino: Captain America! Why did you come late now!

Captain America: There was a slight delay. Please brief me about the mission.

Dino: Good. Is birthday we want to do.

Captain America: …

Dino: We want you to perform. All those things you use to do inside film, do it here.

Captain America: You told me to come so I can perform at a party?

Dino: APC people brought Spiderman, and I want to show them that I am bigger than them. 

Captain America: What?!

Dino: Why are you shouting? Didn’t I pay you people? 

Captain America: We thought you wanted us to fight bad guys.

Dino: Yes, you will help me to beat someone from APC.

Captain: Huh?

Dino: (whispers) Adams Oshiomole.

Captain America: …

Dino: Hold this camera, I quickly want to do something for internet.

Dino gives Capatain America the phone and starts to sing.

Dino: Ajekun Iya ni o je….

Hauwa L

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