If Thor Went To LASU

April 16, 2021

Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 


Everyone knows Nigerian universities are designed to break you. But when you’re the god of thunder, it should be easy, right?

On this episode of #JustImagine, we reimagine Thor as a Nigerian student named, Tomiwa.


Campus Hostel

Bode, Tomiwa’s friend and roommate, is standing outside the hostel addressing a small crowd. The crowd is agitated.

Bode: Everybody, calm down! I said will attend to you!

The crowd murmurs.

Bode: Heis, Sodiq, follow me. It is your turn.

Bode and Sodiq enter the hostel. They find Tomiwa in the room, watching a movie on his laptop. Sodiq looks at the Jesus poster on the wall.

Sodiq: This one that there is Jesus poster here. Shey he can do the work?

Tomiwa: Who is this?

Bode: I’m the one that brought him. His name is Sodiq and he wants to do soap.

Sodiq: Baba, I want to have money to be doing lau lau. I want to be shutting down Quilox so that I will be competing with Paso and Wasiu.

Tomiwa: Soap? Who told you I am a babalawo?

Bode: It’s me. I saw when you called thunder yesterday na. Do this soap for him.

Sodiq: Baba abeg! Help me do am so that I will enter House of Rep. Desmond Elliot suppose chop beating this year.

Tomiwa: He is in the House of Assembly.

Sodiq: Sha do it for me to enter one house.

Tomiwa: Me, I don’t know how to do soap.

Sodiq: Ehn tell Bode to give me the money he collected for Soap Form.

Tomiwa: You’re selling form?

Bode: (whispers to Tomiwa) Abeg, I fit see 5k for your hand?

Sodiq grabs Tomiwa’s laptop.

Sodiq: When you people have my money, come and collect your laptop.

Sodiq walks out.

Bode: Ok. Do soap for only me then I will be doing for people.

Tomiwa:


Campus Hall

A bunch of students are gathered in a hall situated on LASU campus. The students are talking above one another. Tomiwa is one of the students in the hall. The leader comes out and stands before them.

Leader: Of the greatest Lasuites ooo

Students: Great!!!

Leader: Ever konigba Lasuite oooo

Students: Ever konigba!!

Leader: Of the greatest gba gba!

Students: Gba Gba!

Leader: You can see that we have not had light or water for one month while there is light in the senate building. Are we going to agree?!!

Students: No!!

Leader: What are we going to do???

Students: Protest!!

Leader: And Bode has brought the person that will fight for us. (The leader turns towards Bode) Bode, Oya!

Bode: (stands) Greatest Gbo Gbo!

Students: Gbo Gbo!

Bode: My friend here, Tomiwa, is the one that will fight for us!

Tomiwa stands and the students all hail him.

Leader: We will go and attack the transformer because if we don’t have light nobody will have light!

Students: Yes!!!

Leader: And it is Tomiwa that will disconnect the transformer for us.

Tomiwa: (looks at Bode in confusion and whispers) Ha. shebi you said I will just use hammer to do small drama?

Bode signals to him to put his mind at rest.

Leader: He will use his teeth to cut all the wires!

Tomiwa:

Tomiwa: (whispers to the leader) I am not studying elect elect o.

Leader: (whispers back) But you can use your teeth to disconnect all the wires?

Tomiwa: Even my teeth is not sharp like that. 

Bode: (shouts) Tomiwa can do it! He will use thunder to strike anybody in our way!

Students: Yes!!

Tomiwa: Bode, why are you using life imprisonment to play with me?

Leader: Let’s go!!

The students all rush off. Tomiwa tries to sneak out through the back but the leader grabs him and they walk out together.


Campus

The students are standing in front of a transformer, carrying placards that read “Give Us Light”. The leader and Tomiwa are at the forefront.

Leader: Oya climb it and cut that wire.

Tomiwa: If it spark, nko?

Leader: Is it not god of thunder you use to call yourself?

Tomiwa: Is this now thunder?

Leader: Just climb it and use your hammer to break everything.

Tomiwa climbs the transformer and the students hail him. He starts to use his hammer to dismantle the transformer.

Tomiwa: (to himself) Jehovah Jireh please, don’t let light meet me here.

Leader: Use your teeth to cut everything yama yama!

A police van arrives at the venue. Some policemen jump out of the car along with the Vice Chancellor. The students start to protest.

Student: Shoot if they born you well! Shoot now!

Tomiwa: Don’t release bullet o! You know I am on transformer? 

Bode: Look at Tomiwa there, if you shoot the kpan on his body, the bullet will bounce back!

Tomiwa:

Tomiwa: Don’t mind him o, he is mad. It will not bounce o! I will die ni o!

Nobody pays attention to Tomiwa. The students continue to chant.

VC: Is it light you want?

Students: Yes!!

VC: Light will soon on in like 2 minutes.

Tomiwa tries to get off.

VC: Who is that one on the transformer??

Bode: His name is Tomiwa and he is our Vice President!

Tomiwa: Hope you’re not mad? When did I do election?

VC: What is his matric number?

Bode: (shouts) 180964689…

Tomiwa: Bode!

Bode stops reciting and turns to Tomiwa.

Bode: Is it 89 or 98?

Tomiwa:

VC: It is either you go home and wait for light or all of you will get arrested. 

The students start to leave. Tomiwa starts to climb down.

VC: No o. You will stay until they bring light. 

Tomiwa:


PPL – A dangerous area.

It is 11 p.m. and Bode and Tomiwa are walking back to the hostel. They’re at PPL.

Bode: We would have carried the cup if not for that stupid referee.

Tomiwa: All that one is story…

Some fierce looking men, Bala, Scorpio, Ganja come out of a building and accost Tomiwa and Bode.

Bala: You get mind to dey pass this place for night abi?

Ganja: (points at Tomiwa’s red and black costume) This one even dey wear our colour.

Bode: Let us pass and Tomiwa will not kill you! I will count to 3. (Bode shuts his eyes tight) ONE!

Tomiwa: (whispers) Bode!

Bode: TWO!

Tomiwa: (sharper) Bode!

Bode: THREE!!

Tomiwa: Bode, I left my hammer in the hostel.

Bode: (open his eyes) Ehn?

Tomiwa: It’s in the hostel.

Bode: (turns to the cultists and laughs nervously) Shebi it is Tomiwa that is wearing your colour; it’s not me. Me I can be going.

Bode starts to walk away but Bala roughly drags him back. Bode kneels down and starts crying.

Scorpio: Shebi, you people can fight?!

Tomiwa: It’s not me that said it.

Ganja: Wetin be your own name?

Tomiwa: Thor.

Bala kicks him.

Tomiwa: It is Oluwatomiwasaye sir.

The men start to beat upTomiwa and Bode.

Bode: Help me focus on Tomiwa. He is the one that can fight. 

Ganja: I say why you dey wear our colour?!

Tomiwa: I went for choir practice sah. This is the uniform they chose.

Bode: (crying) Yeh! I have ulcer, don’t kick my stomach.


Lecturer Ojo’s Office

Tomiwa and Mr. Ojo are inside an office. Tomiwa is sitting across from him.

Lecturer Ojo: Why are you begging me?

Tomiwa: Sir, I am sorry for coming late to class. It will never happen again, sir.

Lecturer Ojo: Some students say that you say you can control thunder.

Tomiwa: Small sir.

Lecturer Ojo: Ok. If you do one thing for me, you won’t fail.

Tomiwa: Anything sir.

Lecturer Ojo: Use thunder to strike my mother-in-law.

Tomiwa: Ehn?

Lecturer Ojo: Are you deaf? I said use thunder to strike her in the village! She is sucking all my money from Ekiti! Using it to do w.omen’s meeting up and down. I want thunder to strike her.

Tomiwa: Ah!

Lecturer Ojo: Then you see this my shelf?

Tomiwa looks at an old collapsing shelf rammed with books.

Lecturer Ojo: You will help me to repair it.

Tomiwa: Sir, I don’t have the tools.

Lecturer Ojo: The hammer in your hand, what are you using it to do?


Hostel

Tomiwa is in his room and his girlfriend, Kiki, is arguing with him.

Tomiwa: I am not doing it!

Kiki: I’ve told them that you can fly o!

Tomiwa: What?

Kiki: And you have power.

Tomiwa: Why?!

Bode rushes into the room but Tomiwa and Kiki don’t notice his agitation. 

Tomiwa: Go and return the money you collected!

Bode: What is going on?

Tomiwa: She booked me to be pushing trains that are not working in Kaduna.

Kiki: And don’t forget the nollywood film you will act!

They hear some noise coming from outside the hostel.

Tomiwa: Who is shouting outside?

Bode: You know the people that paid for Soap form?

Tomiwa: That you refunded?

Bode: I didn’t give them back o. And now they have come to collect soap. Then one woman is shouting outside that you use thunder to strike her left leg  in Ekiti.

Tomiwa: Is she with Mr. Ojo?

Bode: Yes.

Bode: And the VC said their transformer is not working again. He came with soldiers because he said he saw you on the transformer.

Tomiwa:

Tomiwa starts looking about, frantically searching for something.

Bode: What are you looking for?

Tomiwa: My hammer! Where is my hammer?

Kiki: Ah. I put it on OLX o.

Tomiwa: WHAT?!

Kiki: Then I used your hammer to send thunder to strike Janet o.

Tomiwa: Janet?

Kiki: Your sugarmummy that I always see you with!

Tomiwa: That’s my project supervisor!

Bode: (scratches head) I forgot to tell you that I did soap for Sodiq. He is now mad.

Tomiwa looks at Bode, confused.

Bode: And he is looking for you. If he bites your ear, walai, you can never hear again.


Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Hauwa L

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