It is safe to agree that Nigerian politicians were the kings of comedy until Donald Trump entered the game in 2017. And suddenly, we had competition.
Trump’s Villa In Banana Island.
Trump is squinting at a tab and his aide is standing next to him.
Aide: Sir if you want to win this election, you have to get your hands dirty. In the murd.
Trump: You say Fayose is doing what?
Aide: He is cutting shaki at a buka.
Trump: And Rotimi Amaechi?
Aide: He is roasting corn in Port Harcourt, sir.
Trump: What about Adams Oshiomole?
Aide: He is pricing plantain chips.
Trump: (looks up) Can he reach the tray?
Aide: The seller is a little girl, sir.
Trump: Ah, that makes sense.
Aide: And Rotimi Ameachi is plaiting patewo and base for someone.
Trump: (stands up) I have had enough. Call the press to my rally!
Aide: Right away, sir.
Trump: And call Wizkid.
Aide: He aired us, sir.
Aide: He wants 30 billion.
Trump: Call someone that can collect two-five.
Election Rally In Lagos
MayD is jumping on stage. Donald Trump is clad in Agbada and standing on a podium.
Trump: I’ve seen all these politicians doing hair, frying akara and pricing garri, but is that what we need in this country?
Trump: I have brought something to combat our growing unemployment!
The crowd goes wild.
Trump: (shouts) Bring it out.
Trump’s security guard brings 20 bottles of Goya oil to the stage and the crowd goes silent.
Trump: Once you rub this goya oil and pray, there will be nothing like unemployment in your life. Oya! Line up.
A queue forms and a woman, Mama Rofia, steps up to Trump. He hands her a bottle of goya oil. She takes it.
Mama Rofia: I think it’s cooking oil you want to give us sah.
Trump frowns aggressively.
Trump’s Aide steps up and whispers something in his ear.
Aide: Sir, Aregbesola is doing common entrance in Osun State.
Trump starts to walk out of the rally. MayD runs after him.
MayD: Baba, I have not collected payment.
Trump squeezes some naira notes into his hand.
Trump: How much did P Square give you?
Trump is getting his hair done and his aide is standing next to him, looking into GCE Past Questions.
Trump: Rauf is doing common entrance, me I want to do GCE. Ask me any question.
Aide: What is 2(50.45 X 2.54).
Trump: Ask me simple one.
Aide: What is an Isololes Triangle?
Trump: Are you mad? I said ask me simple one!
Aide: What is 12X0.
Trump: Ask me CRS.
Aide: Who sold his birthright for a plate of pottage?
Trump: El Rufai.
Aide: (sigh) Sir, No.
Aide: Who in the bible stole from the disciples?
Trump: James Ibori.
Trump: (shouts in anger) Won’t someone come and wash my hair or is it until I start looking like Elisha Abbo?
Trump is at a Christmas Press Conference. The hall is noisy and crowded. Journalists and citizens are sitting in the audience.
Trump raises his hand and the hall goes silent.
Trump: I am not supposed to be here, but God ministered to me.
Channels Reporter: Sir, we want to know how you plan to combat unemployment in the country.
Trump: I have done that one.
TVC Reporter: What about bad roads sir?
STV Reporter: There is also the problem of flood and limited access to drinking water.
OGTV Reporter: We are also dealing with bad electricity!
The crowd goes into a frenzy. Trump smiles and raises his hand to silence them.
Trump: That’s why I brought a gift for everybody. Christmas gift.
Trump’s aid pulls out a bunch of wrapped gifts and hands it out to the people. Everyone starts to open them. A young man in the audience, Kola, shouts and raises a hand-woven fan.
Kola: What is this???
Trump: When you people don’t have light, you can be using it to fan yourself.
A woman, Moria, speaks up.
Moria: I got a mop.
Trump: When water full everywhere, you are the one that will come out and mop it.
A 9-year-old boy raises an Econet umbrella.
Boy: What am I supposed to do with this?
Trump: You’re too big to be selling card?
Another man, Jide, shouts.
Jide: (jubilates) I got a passport and visa sir! Thank you sir!
Trump: I’ve told Iran that we want to fight with them this December. You are the one that will represent us.
NTA Reporter: Sir, I got padlock.
Trump: To padlock your station. Because it is everytime that you people are spreading fake news about me.
The crowd starts shouting and Trump moves away from the stage.
Trump is in his house relaxing. His Aide comes into the living room.
Aide: Sir, Adams Oshiomole wants to see you for appointment.
Trump: I have said everybody that wants to see me should do 5 laps round the house first.
Aide: He did 2 and a half and collapsed sir.
Aide: He was wearing high heels, sir.
Adams Oshiomole’s shameless ass outside: Moku ooo!
Trump: What about Fayose?
Aide: Fayose has done 3 laps but he is shouting for Glucose.
Fayose that didn’t eat morning food: Where is the glucose?
Suddenly, the sounds of gunshots are heard outside. Another aide runs inside.
Aide 2: Sir, we have to go. Iran has opened fire on us!
The shooting continues and Trump runs to his chopper.
Trump: (screams) Pilot! Take me to Uganda!
Pilot: They banned us from there because you said their president’s face looks like undone pap.
Trump: Burkina Faso, nko??
Pilot: You said they should use hammer to press their president’s head.
Trump: Where can we now go?
Pilot: Oyo State.
Trump: Take me there.
Trump in Oyo, trying to avoid Ibadan people, after saying their King is using bleaching cream: