Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today, I’ll be reviewing the wigs in Kunle Afolayan’s Netflix movie, “Swallow.”
First of all, let me just say that the name of this movie is super misleading. Maybe it’s just me but for a movie named “Swallow,’ I expected to see a lot of swallowing…
“Swallow” is a movie made by Kunle Afolayan. It’s about a girl named Tolani (Niyola) who practically spends the entire movie GOING THROUGH IT. Jesus Christ. Tolani’s life is straight-up diarrhoea. She exists in 1985 Nigeria, is poor as hell, and works a dead-end job where she is constantly sexually harassed by her boss and gossipped about by her coworkers. After she loses her job and things get even harder, Tolani decides to join her best friend and roommate, Rose (Ijeoma Grace Agu), in smuggling drugs for some guy that looks like the offspring of John Okafor and early 2000s Hanks Anuku.
After trying and failing to SWALLOW the wraps of drugs she’s supposed to smuggle, Tolani is like, “What the fuck is this shit?” and decides to move back to her village to join her mother’s Adire business. Rose is determined to never give up and carries on with the plan but promptly dies on the CGI plane after the drug wraps burst open in her stomach.
I’m not even kidding.
Other stuff happens in the movie’s two hour run time, but what I just gisted you are the most important parts. The movie is…just fine. It’s too long in my opinion. Niyola acts her ass off in it and did amazing but the real star is Ijeoma Grace Agu who plays the tough Rose. In Kunle Afolayan fashion, the setting is perfect. He does an amazing job of bringing 1980s Lagos to life with props and fashion. The only things in this movie that stand out in a terrible way are the wigs. If you know me, you know I’m OBSSESSED with bad wigs.
You see the wigs in this movie? The wigs in this movie will haunt my dreams for the rest of my days. It’s like the spirit of Tyler Perry possessed both Kunle Afolayan and the person in charge of hair on set, causing them to look at the actors in the movie and say, “LET’S FUCK THESE PEOPLE UP.” That’s why I’ve brought you all here today. To talk about the crusty ass wigs in this movie because I will never know peace if I don’t.
1) This wig on Rose’s head.
This character was onscreen a lot and even though I was living for the actress’ performance, all I could think of whenever she showed up is how this wig looks like a shower cap disguised as hair. If you need a wig that will protect your real hair underneath and still somewhat look like hair if you ever get caught in the rain or decide to shower with it because you’re having shower sex with a stranger/potential love interest and you don’t want them to see you in your true form, this is the wig for you.
2) This wig on Franca’s head.
Franca’s personality and eyebrows are off-putting enough so having to gaze upon this mess on her head whenever she showed face was a real struggle. This wig is a hat. It’s a hairy hat. It looks like it’s made out of dyed cotton. If Franca ever wanders near a fire in this cap, goodbye to her.
3) These wigs on Tolani’s nameless coworkers.
They have no lines. They’re quite literally just extras but the movie’s hair person still felt the need to put both of them in wigs that look like broccoli. I couldn’t focus on the scene because of them. They’re both serving 48-year-old civil servant energy with those wigs and personally, I think they deserved better.
4) The wig on this random person they run into the club.
Bruno Mars called. He wants his hair back.
5) These wigs.
These aren’t wigs. They’re plants. These ladies are wearing vines on their heads, and I want to know who is responsible for this. Imagine having as little screentime as these two and then the hairstylist on set destroys a potted plant and places the remains on your head.
6) These sideburns, moustache, and soul patch on Sanwo.
Honestly, I can’t tell if they’re real or fake. But looking at Deyemi Okanlawon walking around the movie looking like Super Mario stressed me out.
7) This wig on Johnny’s head.
What is this wig? This wig is a rodent. Anytime he came onscreen, I half-expected the wig to squeak and jump off his head. And that side part? What did that side part achieve? Even worse, when he turns around, you can see that this wig is clearly a squirrel skin cap sitting on top of his real hair. Take a look:
That ponytail?! SKDHFKJDHFKJ!
8) This wig on OC’s head.
This wig is a helmet. If you fall off a motorcycle going at full speed while wearing this wig, your head will be just fine. It’s the road that’ll be in trouble. This is the same wig Mechad Book’s wore in that movie “A Fall From Grace.” This wig makes him look like one of the cartoon globetrotters. This wig moonlights as a sponge for washing pots.
9) This wig on the pastor’s head.
I’m losing my mind at the fact that Kunle Afolayan couldn’t score himself a good wig for this cameo. This wig is proof that God has abandoned us. This wig is what my sleep paralysis demon has on whenever it sashays from the corner of my room to choke me.
10) This wig on Godwin’s head.
I don’t…I don’t even know what this is. What is that hairline? Why are the sides levitating off his head? The wig looks like a piece of an old rug. It looks like someone glued a shit ton of pubic hair together and called it a day. This wig is going to tear a hole in the fabric of space and time, cause a black hole, and suck the whole planet in. This wig is the reason why aliens don’t want to communicate with us. I hate this wig so much.
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
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