Ask Aunty Z!: Don’t Keep Your Partners In The Dark

November 14, 2021

Navigating life and relationships can get quite hard and we sometimes need someone to talk to. Meet Aunty Z! She gets it, she’s all ears and she just wants to help. For issues in all your relationships; friendships, situationships, and the other ships, you’ve come to the right place. Aunty Z! will see you now

Today, Aunty Z! gives advice to a man in love with two women, a woman who stopped enjoying sex with her husband, and Stanley from last week who has some more things to clarify.

Dear Aunty Z!, 

There’s this girl that I liked a lot a few years ago, let’s call her Ella. When I made a move back then, she was in a relationship and didn’t like me that way. Some months ago, we met and it’s safe to say it was love at that sight. Now she’s single and we’ve been seeing each other for a while now. We really love and want to be with each other. 

The problem now is I’m currently in a long-distance relationship. I still have feelings for my babe and I feel it’ll hurt her real bad if I leave her to be with someone else. I’m in a dilemma and I really don’t know what to do. I’ve been seeing Ella and our feelings for each other just keep growing, and that has taken a toll on my relationship. 

Ella really wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her but now she’s running out of patience and I understand that. I don’t want to rush and make hasty decisions based on emotions. I don’t want to lose Ella (again), but honestly, I also don’t feel like it’s the right time to call things off with my babe yet. Please, I need advice.

Jared, 23 

Dear Jared,

It seems you want to eat your cake and have it. You somehow want to keep your current girlfriend and continue seeing Ella. Haba na. 

You say you don’t want to hurt your girlfriend by leaving her to be with someone else, but you’re cheating on her. I don’t think she’d enjoy being cheated on either. 

I want you to weigh your options. Sit down with yourself and list all the reasons staying with your girlfriend will be a good idea, and then list all the reasons why giving this relationship with Ella a chance is a good idea. If you choose your girlfriend, you have to let her know about Ella and then she’d decide if she wants the relationship to continue. If you realise that being with Ella is what your heart wants, then you should call things off with your girlfriend immediately. Nobody deserves to be in a relationship with someone who has one leg out the door. 

I wish you the best of luck in whichever relationship you decide to pursue. Let me know how it works out for you.

Love, Aunty Z! 

Dear Aunty Z!

I am no longer sexually attracted to my husband. He does not turn me on at all. I am not even interested in making any effort anymore, I just lay there and let him finish. 

I buy lube a lot. I am not going to deny him every time just because I don’t feel a thing no matter what he does, nor do I want to get hurt while he is at it. I get irritated when he tries to touch me anywhere because it’s simply a waste of both of our times, he just doesn’t turn me on. 

I wasn’t like this when we got married 6 years ago. He was a virgin, I wasn’t. The very sight of him turned me on back then. I would seduce him in crazy lingerie, wake him up with blowjobs, walk in on him in the washroom and fuck him mindless. He was a lazy lover even then, no imagination, or initiative. I think I got tired of trying to get him to be more sexual than practical and I became numb somehow. He could walk around me now with a hard-on all day long and I wouldn’t feel anything but a slight irritation. 

I don’t know why I am writing to you. Perhaps I want a solution? Outside this, we’re both great, I think. He’s sexually miserable for sure, and keeps talking about how I have changed.

Eni, 31

Hey Eni, 

I know what it’s like having a lazy sexual partner, and it can be absolutely frustrating when you know there’s a potential for amazing sex, but they’re not just putting in the effort. 

It seems to me that both of you realise there’s a problem with your sex lives. He thinks you’ve changed, and you feel he’s not doing enough to excite you. You used to enjoy seducing him and all the fun things you came up with, but you got tired of doing all of the work. You should bring that up with him, and also tell him the kind of things you like. Think back to the top five sexual experiences you’ve had. What made them so great? Why not recreate some of those scenarios. 

I think your solution is quite simple. Remind him that sex is not something done to you, but something both parties are meant to enjoy. With what you’ve described, it sounds like he’s using you as a sex toy, and that’s not what we want. 

His laziness means he didn’t have a chance to explore you and what you like, so tell him you need more of that. Also, don’t throw out the lube. You’d need it, especially if things go well. You can never have too much lube

Love, Aunty Z! 

Dear Aunty Z!, 

It’s Stanley again. Thank you for your advice. I just wanted to add some details and provide some clarity. The man she’s in love with is the one I want to shag with her. I suspect he’s bi because he registers strongly on my gaydar and the last time he came to visit because my wife is the godmother to his first son, he reached out to embrace me and almost kissed me. It’s not officially open because she’s in denial about her feelings for him and it caused a row for a while when I found out and confronted her. So now she’s very careful and I am waiting patiently for a slip. A conversation won’t work because she would simply deny her sexuality or emotional love for the other guy. Another way would be to initiate a threesome with the guy and see where it goes. Any tips?

                                                             Stanley, 35   

Hey Stanley, 

Thanks for writing back. First things first, your confidence in your gaydar is admirable. But even though, Stanley. Even though. I still think it’s not that simple.

Also, something about “waiting patiently for a slip” feels like we’ve entered weird territory, my friend. This situation is starting to feel unhealthy for the both of you.

I’m for the idea of suggesting a threesome because at least you guys will talk, but I think you need to not press on about her loving this guy. Try as much as possible to create a safe enough environment for a conversation about her emotions or sexuality.

You should also be okay with letting this go. It’s a possibility and something you should consider.

Love, Aunty Z!

Aunty Z! will be published every Sunday at 2 pm but you can write to her here and she may just give you the advice that changes your entire life!

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